anxiety & expectation

13 February 20, 2.03am

Examination result is going to come out in less than 24 hours. I'm really scared of how calm I am right now. This calmness is almost the same as when I was waiting for my examination result in my fourth semester in diploma and, when the result came out, I got a GPA below than 3.5. It's weird. I'm currently pursuing my Bachelor Degree and I've gotten Dean's List for the past three semesters and I was so nervous for my whole semester break waiting for it to come out. 

Does this mean that I won't get a Dean's List for this semester? If so, then there goes another dream of mine staying a dream forever. 

During my diploma graduation, I had to line up exactly behind graduates who had received the Vice Chancellor's Awards. It was painful having to watch how I could've been one of them if I had done a little bit better during my fourth semester. My parents were hoping for me to get the award too and that made it more painful. It was more heartbreaking though when I was told by them and some of my friends that I will definitely perform better in my Bachelor Degree. Their expectations make me feel more worthless somehow.

I wish people around me don't have much expectations on me. Expectations make me feel scared of failure and when failure scares me, I tend to do whatever it takes for me to achieve victory, even if it costs me unhealthy rivalry with my siblings and classmates.

Some people are lucky to be able to strive with the expectations that people have on them, but I'm not one of those people. Personally, I think of failure as something that I need for me to grow up. There's nothing bad with being victorious per se, but it feels like as if I am not experiencing life to the fullest if I keep standing on the podium all the time.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I always won in life. What I'm trying to say is that, if I am too scared to experience failure due to people's expectations on me and keep avoiding it at all cost, then doesn't it mean that I am missing something important in life?


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